American talk show host (1947- )
Yesterday was going to be a historic blizzard. And when you get information like this, you make mistakes. Boy, is my face red. Last night, at the last minute before the supermarket closed, I wrestled a lady for the last Lean Cuisine.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 27, 2015
Be careful if you go to Disneyland. There's an outbreak of measles. They have traced the disease to Donald Duck running around without his pants.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 14, 2015
I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 15, 2014
It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 8, 2014
Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 10, 2014
What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Oct. 31, 2011
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections."
DAVID LETTERMAN
The Late Show, 2000
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 4, 2011
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 10, 2014
British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may have to start drilling for water.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, 2010
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Oct. 31, 2011
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 3, 2014
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Jul. 27, 2011
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time on Twitter", The Late Show
Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015
Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 14, 2014
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 1, 2011
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Great Quotes for All Occasions