quotations to make you laugh
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Steven Wright Special, 1985
I once had to dispense with a literary agent because she drank too much. She was very surprised but I pointed out to her, quite logically I thought, that one of us had to be sober and it certainly wan't going to be me.
JEFFREY BERNARD
The Spectator, October 29, 1988
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, Apr. 4, 2012
I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one.
ERMA BOMBECK
I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
ANONYMOUS
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA!
ANONYMOUS
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
ANONYMOUS
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
JERRY SEINFELD
attributed, The Mammoth Book of One-Liners
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
OSCAR WILDE
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.
PAUL REISER
Babyhood
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG
attributed, The Encyclopedia of Misinformation
Now we play the waiting game. [long pause] Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
HOMER SIMPSON
"Mr. Plow", The Simpsons
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER
Peninsula Daily News, Aug. 21, 2012
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Steven Wright Special, 1985
This week a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered one technical problem -- night.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, May 28, 2012
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Feb. 1, 2012
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I Have a Pony
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Arkansas? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!
ANONYMOUS