American comedian (1948- )
The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life ... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the f*** is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.
LEWIS BLACK
The Carnegie Hall Performance
I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, 'cause any fish that is down there is f***ing stupid.
LEWIS BLACK
The End of the Universe
And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe the Earth was created in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go "Fossil!" And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head.
LEWIS BLACK
Red, White, and Screwed
So what's heaven like? I always imagined it as the equivalent of being pushed around on one of those dolphin strollers at Disney World when you're three. Or it's where you see every a**hole you ever dealt with in life get his comeuppance.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
Dick Cheney ... and that's all I gotta say. Isn't it great that we've reached that point? You don't even have to say "Dick Cheney, the Vice President who shot his friend in the face while hunting". "Dick Cheney", everybody goes "Waha!" and we move on.
LEWIS BLACK
Red, White, and Screwed
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
Watching myself tell a story that I don't remember telling because adventures in psychedelics have consequences.
LEWIS BLACK
Facebook, May 12, 2020
Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's f***ing PSYCHOTIC!
LEWIS BLACK
Rules of Engagement
Humor is how we find comfort in the totally illogical, for it is the bridge back to the logical.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." ... WELL, THEN IT'S MINUS 3, A**HOLE!
LEWIS BLACK
Rules of Engagement
There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. F***. Nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
LEWIS BLACK
Red, White, and Screwed
If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.
LEWIS BLACK
Facebook, September 2, 2015
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got Saran Wrap--FIX IT!
LEWIS BLACK
"The Ozone, Sunblock, the Flue, and Nyquil"
The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. Ten years later they said they were bad. I went, "Well, I just ate the eggs!" So I stopped eating eggs, and ten years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really f***ed! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, the-the yellows -- make up your mind! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
I lost my virginity to a record skip. "Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.
LEWIS BLACK
Anticipation
Three weeks after I arrived at school, the head of the drama department dropped dead. That certainly didn't bode well for the future of my higher education, and it left the department in a bit of a shambles. They picked a temporary head of the department from the faculty and he referred to himself as the temporary head. As a result, as much as he would like to make decisions on a variety of issues, he couldn't ... because he was only temporary. He was temporary for the entire time I was there.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
Al Roker was the weather man in New York City, and three years ago we had a blizzard. We were supposed to have, according to Al, 4 to 12 inches of snow. That's his prediction. We had 36 inches. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was two feet off. THAT'S NOT EVEN IN THE BALLPARK! If you were a roofer and you built a roof and it was two feet off, you'd still be serving time.
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
I will tell you something I know. Frozen embryos? Guess what?! THEY'RE NOT ALIVE! AT ALL! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They are frozen! They're frozen! It's not a question! It's not up for f***ing discussion! Don't allow that fucking idiot in the White House to say, "Whoa, no, they're...." THEY'RE NOT ALIVE, A**HOLE! You can defrost one, like a mini-pizza -- IT'S STILL NOT ALIVE! It has the potential for life, that's what it has! But otherwise, it's a mini-pizza! If frozen embryos are alive, we should assign National Guard troops to go to every grocery store and stand in front of the frozen foods, screaming, "Back off! Back off! The clam strips could come back to life!"
LEWIS BLACK
The Carnegie Hall Performance
Death is the abiding mystery that is the root of all religions, except Scientology, which doesn't count because I refuse to consider seriously anything that Tom Cruise believes in.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us ... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!"
LEWIS BLACK
Red, White, and Screwed