American author (1842-1914)
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
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The Devil's Dictionary
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
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The Devil's Dictionary
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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The Devil's Dictionary
WITCH, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
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The Devil's Dictionary
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
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The Devil's Dictionary
Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
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"Epigrams of a Cynic"
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
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The Devil's Dictionary
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
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The Devil's Dictionary
Respirator, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.
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The Devil's Dictionary
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
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The Devil's Dictionary